Monday, September 27, 2010

I tell myself (A sad story)

The shoot opens and my free-falling body rises with the wind. Suddenly I hear a loud snapping sound from above. My body jerks left. Looking up I can see the parachute's straps slowly tearing, thread by thread. Perhaps the remaining three will hold out until I land. I tell myself not to worry.SNAP! There goes strap number two. I'm still too high up to make out any buildings below. Again I tell myself: Don't worry John. SNAP! SNAP! This is when I begin my slow free-fall towards earth. No back up shoot, no clue what to do, and I tell myself once again not to worry. The wind is rushing past my ears so fast yet everything seems so slow and calm. The peace I'm feeling is pure irony. When I look down again, small squares begin to look like tall buildings. Streets, cars, and people are coming into focus now. I tell myself: Don't worry. Everything around me quickly speeds up until, finally, my body is embedded into the pavement. The sudden darkness is overwhelming. I can hear cars screeching to a stop and people all around me but I can't open my eyes. I'll be okay, I tell myself.
I can hear the ambulance coming. There's no pain. It must be really bad. The paramedics are now lifting me into the ambulance. Before my hearing fades I hear someone ask: " Why did he do it?"
Though I can no longer make out what the E.M.T.'s are saying, I can feel us speeding to the hospital. A sudden stop signals our arrival at the E.R. This is when my vision comes back. Now I see staff to my left and right, wheeling me down the corridor. For a brief second I regain mobility, thrusting upward, gasping for air. Those pushing the gurney are in shock and utterly surprised that I'm still even alive. Up ahead, two men in green scrubs pull me into a room with bright lights, sharp tools, and drills. The light is hanging above my face shining in my eyes. Once again my sight is gone. Though I can no longer see, I do hear a machine constantly beeping beside me. Knives and drills spray speckles of blood on my face. This seems to make the beeping machine go much faster until.......silence. Darkness. I'm free. Or am I? I lose count after the first few days, eventually realizing time is not a factor anymore. Day after day, month after month, year after year; I lay here in my grave. I'm all alone now. An eternity of sleeping awake. I'm now dreamless and left for eternity to think of the consequences of my actions.
The family visits from time to time. It's not always the greatest encounters though. I'll never forget the anger in Annie's voice when she asked: "Why couldn't you have just been having an affair too?" I can hear her tears hit the dirt above and sometimes wish I had. Infidelity is a lot more solvable than suicide.(John Shaff had a lot of problems. Not only was his son dying, but his wife was having an affair. On his way to work one morning he decided to conquer his fear of heights by skydiving. The truth is that he was torn up from the bad news. After a nervous breakdown, what seemed like skydiving was really his suicidal leap from the tallest building in New York.)

Saturday, August 28, 2010

One Of the saddest stories

Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and shall we say, love. The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye, and where the other should have been was a gaping hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot has appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner. His tail has long been lost, leaving only the smallest stub, which he would constantly jerk and twitch. Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby striped-type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, even his shoulders with thick, yellowing scabs. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!" All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction. If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around feet in forgiveness. Whenever he spied children, he would come running meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love. If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.

One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbors huskies. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. From my apartment I could hear his screams, and I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end. Ugly lay in a wet circle, his back legs and lower back twisted grossly out of shape, a gaping tear in the white strip of fur that ran down his front. As I picked him up and tried to carry him home I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. I must be hurting him terribly I thought. Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear-Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring. Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled-scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.

At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, or even try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain. Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly. Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.

Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me, I will always try to be Ugly.

A few Sad quotes

I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what.

"You're welcome to believe that the world is a nice, logical, rational, safe place... You'll be wrong, but that hasn't stopped anyone else who thinks the same way." -Dierdre, Otherworld by Mercades Lackey and Holly Lisle

On a tombstone: Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I. As I am now, so shall you be. Remember this and follow me.

The First Of Many

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